Outcast of Gor Chapter Seventeen

 

It’s fair to say this was a difficult situation for me.

 

I didn’t for one minute think Rolfe would actually force me to brand Kelsee. Not if I dug my heels in and flatly refused. He would do his best to coerce me, but I think he would draw the line at compelling me by force. But he seemed intent on travelling to the slaver camp to at least show me a metal worker and argue that it was in my best interests to brand Kelsee.

 

What he didn’t know was that Darian Athuk had met Kelsee and I before, in Argentum. While I was now a Free Man, and entitled to own a slave girl, it would be very awkward if Darian made reference to my past status. I remembered the contempt that free men showed silk slaves. Dominant Gorean men do not like the idea of a man submissively serving a woman. I would lose all respect with Rolfe and the others. Our friendship would likely be over. And as for Kulai – imagine the shame of knowing that your Free Companion was once a woman’s plaything. God knows how she would react to that news.

 

No, that had to remain my secret. The question was whether I would even meet Darian Athuk if I went to his camp. He was probably a very busy man, and we could walk through his camp without running into him. After all, I had practically never run into Stannis Assante in all the time I spent in his cavalry camp.

 

What’s more, would he even recognise me? His contempt for silk slaves had meant he had barely looked at me when I had knelt before my mistress in Argentum. He had no reason to remember my face. He wouldn’t want to remember my face. I was something he disapproved of.   

 

And as for Kelsee, she would just be a girl in a collar in a camp where possibly hundreds of girls were placed in collars. It would hopefully be a case of not seeing the wood for the trees. 

 

The risk was low. I told myself the risk was low. And yet, why take any risk at all?

 

“Do you trust me?” I asked Rolfe.

 

“I do. I think you are a fool, but I trust you. I would feel very hurt if you ever betrayed my trust.”

 

“Then trust me now. I have no wish to meet Darian Athuk, but I cannot tell you the reasons why.”

 

Rolfe regarded my expression again. “I am your friend. There should be no secrets between us. What has occurred between you and this slaver in the past?”

 

“I can’t tell you. Trust me, I can’t.” I could imagine the disgust he would feel if he knew the truth. People often say they want you to be truthful with them, and that you can tell them anything, but experience has told me that’s never really the case. 

 

I was dating a girl at Reading University ten years ago. In a quiet moment she urged me to tell her about my fantasies. She promised nothing would shock her. Foolishly I took her at her word and told her about my bondage fantasies; how it would be fun to tie her up before and during sex, perhaps even play some master/slave games. She grew angry with me. She told me she was a feminist and that I shouldn’t have such thoughts. I pointed out, not unreasonably, that she had urged me to tell her what turned me on, but this only made her angrier still. She lectured me that such thoughts were wrong, that they were harmful, and that I should be ashamed of myself. We stopped dating shortly afterwards, and the last I heard she went to Montana for a backpacking holiday. I never heard from her again. 

 

People may say you can tell them anything, but there are always limits. 

 

“I am offended that you harbour secrets from me,” said Rolfe after a while. “We are supposed to be brothers.”

 

“There are things I simply can’t tell you.”

 

He genuinely looked hurt. 

 

“Then perhaps I will learn of them when we visit the slaver camp in a few ahns time.”

 

Shit.

 

I went to see Kelsee. Kulai followed me as she always did, but this time I was determined to speak to Kelsee, and I would do so in English. Speaking a foreign language that Kulai couldn’t understand would only deepen her suspicions, and it wouldn’t help me with Rolfe and the other men, either. It would be obvious I was only speaking English so that they wouldn’t understand me.

 

“What is going on?” said Kelsee in English, as soon as it became clear Kulai and the men wouldn’t know what we were saying. “Why do you have a Free Companion? Why have you lied to me? Why have you left me all these days and nights? What is going on?”

 

“Be quiet, and just listen to me. The fact we’re talking in English isn’t going to go down well. You mustn’t act in any way other than as a slave. They may not understand your words but they can observe your intent. Talk submissively.”

 

“I want to go to Corcyrus! I want to be free of this collar! I want to be away from that woman!”

 

“Calm down. Please, Kelsee.” I crouched down beside her. Kulai stood close by, frowning as she observed this secret conversation. I was keeping secrets from her – that much was obvious. She glared with undisguised resentment at Kelsee.

 

“She keeps whipping me! I’m never able to satisfy her! I don’t know what she wants from me!” Kelsee was crying. “I just want to go home. I’m so scared of her!”

 

“Calm down. They can tell you’re not speaking the way a slave should speak to her master. This is only making things worse.”

 

“Worse? She whips me if I walk in what she calls a slutty manner! I don’t walk in a slutty manner!”

 

Actually, these days she did, only she didn’t realise it. Since she had been locked in a collar her body had adjusted to it, and now she walked in a way that subconsciously begged for a man’s attention. She didn’t know, but Kulai knew. Kulai was right on that point. 

 

“Why do you have a Free Companion? I was going to be your Free Companion in Corcyrus. I was!”

 

I glanced round and saw Kulai and Rolfe watching me closely. They couldn’t understand any of this, of course, but there was no mistaking something was going on. Kulai looked visibly upset with me.

 

“Roland, you are upsetting your woman,” said Rolfe. “Why are you speaking in this barbarian tongue to your slave? We all know she understands Gorean better than you do. Why are you keeping secrets from us?”

 

“Kelsee, listen to me, and don’t say anything. They want to take you into a slaver camp and have you branded.”

 

She screamed. She screamed loud enough to startle us all.

 

I placed my hands on her shoulders as her body trembled in shock. “Listen to me, it’s not going to happen. I won’t let it happen. Just trust me. it won’t happen.”

 

“Roland, stop this,” said Rolfe. He looked angry. “You dishonour your companion. This is getting out of hand. Kelsee is just a slave.”

 

I ignored Rolfe. “You won’t be branded. I promise you, you won’t be branded.” I continued to speak only in English.

 

“Please don’t let them do this to me! Please!  A brand is forever on Gor!”

 

“I know. I know. It won’t happen.”

 

Rolfe turned away in disgust. He took Kulai with him. I had angered my best friend on Gor and had seriously offended my loving companion. But I had to speak to Kelsee and let her know I was still on her side. She had to know that.

 

“How can I trust you? You’ve taken a Free Companion, and given her complete authority over me,” said Kelsee. 

 

“Things got out of control. Kulai is just jealous of you, that’s all. She’s afraid I love you more than I love her.”

 

“You love her?”

 

“Well, no, not as such… I mean, I love a lot of people in different ways. Obviously, anyone I’ve had sex with, well, I develop feelings for them. I’d be a callous man if I didn’t.” I knelt and stroked Kelsee’s hair. She was so beautiful in her collar. I imagined how startlingly beautiful she would be with a kef brand on her thigh. Then, she would be perfect. 

 

“Every night you bed down with her! You hardly touch me now.”

“She watches me like a jealous tarn. I think this is the first time I’ve had some privacy with you.”

 

“Will you free me in Corcyrus?”

 

“Of course.”

 

“How do I know you won’t just keep me in this collar, now that you have a Free Woman in your bed?”

 

“You’ll just have to trust me. You don’t have any other choice, Kelsee.”

 

“Please just take me to Corcyrus. I don’t know how much more of this I can take. Your woman keeps me under such strict discipline. I’m…”

 

“You’re what?”

 

“I’m becoming a slave,” she sobbed, “instinctively, naturally… it’s becoming second nature to me. If I don’t lose this collar soon…”

 

“It’s not far to Corcyrus. Just obey Kulai until then. Don’t make her angry.”

 

“Everything about me makes her angry! She hates me! Free Women hate slaves. You must know that.”

 

“I have to go. You are very beautiful, Kelsee.” I kissed her on the lips and felt her body tremble.

 

“There!” she cried. “I felt it again!”

 

“Felt what?”

 

“When you kissed me – waves of submission. I wanted to drop to the ground, lick and kiss your feet and beg slave rape. The feelings came naturally. What is happening to me?”

 

“You are responding to me in your natural feminine state. There is nothing wrong with what you are feeling.”

 

“No, you don’t understand – these feelings – they are not me! They can’t be me! These are the feelings of a slave!”

 

I kissed her again.

 

“Oh!” she cried. She had not been touched for many days and nights. Her body was probably oiling just from the kisses alone. I gripped her wrists and drew them to the sides of her body. She trembled, excited beyond her comprehension. “Yes,” she cried. “Yes!”  

 

I was aware from the side, some twenty paces away, Rolfe and Kulai were watching me. 

 

“Slut!” said Kulai, loudly. She had drawn her whip as soon as I touched Kelsee. 

 

“Your responses are upsetting a Free Woman,” I said, softly. “It is better, then, that I do not touch you.”

 

Kelsee began weeping as I released her. Without being told to, she dropped to the grass in obeisance and began kissing and licking my feet, begging.

 

“Filthy little slut!” cried Kulai, again. She brandished the whip and advanced towards us.

 

“No,” I said, sharply. “She is a slave. She cannot help her feelings.”

 

“She should be whipped,” said Kulai as she raised her whip. I took hold of her wrist and drew it and the whip back down.

 

“Oh!” cried Kulai in frustration. She looked up at me, recognising my superior strength and authority. 

 

“Kelsee has done nothing wrong. She is not to be whipped for no reason.”

 

“Then I will find a reason, beloved,” she said, her tone of voice leaving me in no doubt she would soon find a reason, no matter how petty. 

 

----------------------

 

“What now?” asked Rolfe. We had finished our lunch in silence. The mood in the camp had turned very sour and I could tell that the men all sided with Kulai. “What have you decided?”

 

I took Rolfe away from the others. He seemed angry, because he could sense our friendship was unravelling. 

 

“I can’t do this. You know I can’t do this,” I said.

 

“You are a fool! You are a stupid fool!”

 

“I am not going to the slaver camp. There is nothing I want there, and I have my own reasons for not wishing to run into Darian Athuk.”

 

“You make it impossible for me to help you. Why won’t you brand that slave?”

 

“I am going to free her.” My words must have seemed like a thunderbolt to Rolfe. He didn’t know what to say. “You were right. In Corcyrus I will remove her collar and I will free her.”

 

“You are insane.” Rolfe stood up. “Have you no regard for your Free Woman? The shame she will feel when you equate your slave the same status as your Free Companion? What is wrong with you!” 

 

“I will look after Kulai. She will want for nothing.”

 

“You don’t deserve her,” said Rolfe as he stabbed a finger at my chest. “She would lay down her life for you. All she asks is the respect owed a Free Woman when she enters Free Companionship. This slave of yours has bewitched you. You are like Stannis’s son – he was led astray by that Pleasure Slave slut he bedded. And now men laugh at him. Or, rather, they would, if he wasn’t the sort of man who would kill them outright for doing so. But they laugh at him in secret, provided there is no chance of word getting out.”

 

“Your point being?”

 

“Your honour? What of your honour?”

 

“There is a saying on my world: honour be damned.”

 

Another thunderbolt. You don’t say things like that if you’re Gorean.

 

“You…” Rolfe backed away. He gestured at me wildly. “You are not the man… not the man… I thought you were.” 

 

“I think I should leave,” I said. “We would have been parting our ways in a day or two anyway.” I got up.

 

“Yes, perhaps you should leave. Will you take Kulai with you, or are you so madly in love with your slave that you will abandon her in the wilderness?”

 

“She will want for nothing if she stays with me. I owe her that.”

 

“I will tell her she has the option to remain with us. I will personally guarantee her safety and deliver her back to the Assantes when I return to become Svetlana’s Free Companion, if that is what she prefers.”

 

I nodded. “The choice is hers.”

 

“You would have died, had you not met me,” said Rolfe as he took some further steps back from me. “Have you ever considered that? You would never have made it this far without us.”

 

“I will always be grateful to you, Rolfe, and no matter what you think of me from now on, I will always love you as my brother.”

 

“You are not my brother.” And then he turned and walked away. 

 

I began to pack. Not that I had much to pack anyway, but it was a symbolic thing. The men sat together in a circle, talking, and yes, watching me. I felt a great sense of loss. Those men had been a formative part of my life as a free man on Gor. I had called them brothers. I had, in a sense, failed them, because I wasn’t Gorean. Gor had much to admire, but there were limits. 

 

Kulai appeared before me. She watched as I filled my meagre backpack.

 

“What do I mean to you?” she asked.

 

I straightened up and faced her. “I have deep feelings for you, Kulai. At first, if I’m being honest, they weren’t there, but you are a lovely woman, and I can’t deny I care deeply for you now.”

 

“I love you.”

 

I hated hearing that. It is a statement that demands a comparative response. “Kulai, I love you, too, but perhaps not as deeply as you love me. I’m sorry.”

 

“Rolfe has offered to return me to the Assante camp.”

 

“Is that what you want?”

 

“No.” She looked fierce and determined. “I swore an oath to stand by my man for the period of a year. I will not be the one to renounce that. Will you?”

 

“No,” I said. “No.”

 

She wiped a tear from her eye. “I understand you do not feel the same way about me that I feel for you, but perhaps in time you will? I am a loyal woman. I love you and I will respect you, if you want me. But if you see no future, then tell me now. Be cruel to me. Do not pretend.”

 

“Kulai… the truth is… I don’t deserve you. I’m not the man you think I am.”

 

“It is for a woman to decide who she will submit to in Free Companionship. I think I know you better than you know yourself.”

 

“I wish that were true.” 

 

“How will you survive without me? You do not know how to hunt, how to fish, which berries and mushrooms are safe to eat, how to build an adequate shelter, how to easily light and maintain a fire, how to navigate the social customs of the cities of Gor. These things come naturally to me.”

 

“Yes, you are a wonderful woman, Kulai. And yes, I have deep feelings for you.”

 

“Then order me to come with you. Because if you do not, I must stay here.” She tossed her hair, defiantly. “If you want me, you must command me. Otherwise I will walk away. Decide now.”

 

On Earth she would have been the perfect mate. Strong, resourceful, and yet respectful to her man. I really didn’t deserve her.

 

“I will be leaving soon,” I said. “I am travelling to Corcyrus. You will come with me, of course. You are my woman. Do not presume otherwise.”

 

Kulai smiled, stepped forward and softly kissed me. 

 

And I look back now and I hate myself for what was about to come.